I just got off the phone with someone I have known for about ten years now, though, because I consider him very much a spiritual father and a mentor to me, it feels as if I have known him all my life. I also have been blessed with a wonderful Confessor, but somehow I am able to tell this one person, who is not a priest, everything that goes on in my soul in a way I often do not in Confession. It is a gift from God. Without that accountability I would often be lost.
I called him on this occasion to report a rather trivial matter - a shoe purchase - a pair of black, patent-leather d'Orsays, because, of course, these are highly practical in the rural terrain in which I live, and, because, no where in my closet do I have another pair of black patent-leather d'Orsays, pravda? Don't forget the pinching pointy-toe shape which makes me look so much taller than I am, yet is, if I keep it up, bound to land me a cripple in my later years.
As I spoke with him about the shoes and the chocolate that I ate for breakfast I quickly became aware of what lay behind my purchase and my chocolate - besides the much sought release of dopamine. It made me feel that I had accomplished something (I purchased a pair of shoes) and that I was being, just a touch, rebellious (it's the Nativity Fast where I try to avoid not only shopping but chocolate). The rush came and went, but in my heart I knew I had fallen. Most people would say I was being too hard on myself. It's just a little chocolate. It's just a little splurging. But each time I use the word "just a little" and "just this once" I know I am, in part, trying to justify myself. The path to Christ is narrow and difficult - "just a little" too many times can put us off the path completely. What do I want more than anything in this world? I want to be in Communion with God and I know that there is purpose and reason behind every word I utter and every act I take. The motivation is not always good. As I said to my mentor - "I participate in seemingly innocuous activities, but I know inside I am often full of malice."
I am glad I ordered shoes from Zappos because it precipitated my calling him. It was a type of confession, because I spoke the truth and revealed my darknesses without justification. In everything we do, there is a motivation. Why do we say this, do this, etc.? I can think of no better time than the Nativity Fast to really examine our lives. To ask ourselves if we are truly following Christ, or are we, in fact, playing at Orthodoxy, while we remain fully engaged in the world?
I hope one day I won't need to buy shoes to brighten my day. I know this will take a lot of time and work and prayer, but in the end I shall find that one thing needful.
Glory be to God for all things!
I called him on this occasion to report a rather trivial matter - a shoe purchase - a pair of black, patent-leather d'Orsays, because, of course, these are highly practical in the rural terrain in which I live, and, because, no where in my closet do I have another pair of black patent-leather d'Orsays, pravda? Don't forget the pinching pointy-toe shape which makes me look so much taller than I am, yet is, if I keep it up, bound to land me a cripple in my later years.
As I spoke with him about the shoes and the chocolate that I ate for breakfast I quickly became aware of what lay behind my purchase and my chocolate - besides the much sought release of dopamine. It made me feel that I had accomplished something (I purchased a pair of shoes) and that I was being, just a touch, rebellious (it's the Nativity Fast where I try to avoid not only shopping but chocolate). The rush came and went, but in my heart I knew I had fallen. Most people would say I was being too hard on myself. It's just a little chocolate. It's just a little splurging. But each time I use the word "just a little" and "just this once" I know I am, in part, trying to justify myself. The path to Christ is narrow and difficult - "just a little" too many times can put us off the path completely. What do I want more than anything in this world? I want to be in Communion with God and I know that there is purpose and reason behind every word I utter and every act I take. The motivation is not always good. As I said to my mentor - "I participate in seemingly innocuous activities, but I know inside I am often full of malice."
I am glad I ordered shoes from Zappos because it precipitated my calling him. It was a type of confession, because I spoke the truth and revealed my darknesses without justification. In everything we do, there is a motivation. Why do we say this, do this, etc.? I can think of no better time than the Nativity Fast to really examine our lives. To ask ourselves if we are truly following Christ, or are we, in fact, playing at Orthodoxy, while we remain fully engaged in the world?
I hope one day I won't need to buy shoes to brighten my day. I know this will take a lot of time and work and prayer, but in the end I shall find that one thing needful.
Glory be to God for all things!
3 comments:
The next time you think you want to buy some shoes, buy some shoes for some kid who may not have any shoes! :)
I am so proud of you for making that phone call! I know what a struggle these things are...I desperately seeking solace and connection reading friends' blogs online right now b/c my DH fell asleep in the living room. Hmmm...maybe if I got up and spent some time with Christ, i might not feel so lonely.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxxo
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