The Elder (St. Herman) was asked: "How do you live alone in the forest, Father Herman? Don't you become lonely?" He replied: "No! I am not alone there! God is there, as God is everywhere. Holy Angels are there. How can one become lonely with them? With whom is it better and more pleasant to converse, with men or with Angels? With Angels, of course!"
I have been thinking a lot about loneliness of late, particularly because the demon of loneliness has been pursuing me relentlessly, and thus, the demon of self-pity. The winter days, full of icy winds and heaps of snow, certainly make me feel more isolated than usual. The fact that it is not always possible to take the hour-long drive to civilization and that I often can go the entire day without any adult contact makes the feeling all the more acute. Sometimes I think I am doing well, but sometimes I look out the window at the snow covered plains and wish for the sound of a truck and horse-trailer rumbling past just so I know I am not the only person left in the world. It is so quiet and I am bombarded constantly with thoughts - both benign and damaging, and some good. When UPS or FedEx pulls in to deliver a package there is a certain flutter of happiness - novelty has entered my closed world.
I have been asking myself if loneliness is the desire for human companionship or simply for distraction. Is loneliness a label we give to dissatisfaction in general? I always have someone I can call on - whether it is a girlfriend or my husband or a spiritual mentor. And if there is no song of traffic outside my house, there is certainly the song of Sasha, his questions and new discoveries, and, of course, Pavel, who is always gurgling out something in an attempt to participate in the language he hears. Why then am I so often struck with a feeling that I do not even exist, or that I alone exist, and that there is no one else?
Reading the above quote by St. Herman I must question whether my loneliness is the symptom that my heart has given me as a reminder who it is I should seek first. Without Christ there is no peace. Without Christ there is no love. Without Christ we are alone, even if we have thousands of friends and family members around us. So I am alone, not because I live in the farmland desert, not because I am lacking in people who love me, and not because I can't go to a cafe and see strangers across from me reading The New Yorker, because New York also can be the loneliest place on earth. And I know - how many times did I stand in Grand Central Station staring up at the gilded Zodiac images, sounds and images coming from every direction and yet feel so alone? Loneliness is a state of the heart. It is not a state of circumstance.
I find it providential that I remember St. Herman's words on this particular day, which is so quiet and so seemingly empty, and that I can find joy in celebrating his memory on Saturday. The desert is terrifying, even unbearable at times, but the desert is often where we find God.
". . . from this day, from this hour, from this very moment we shall strive to love God above all . . ." - St. Herman of Alaska
3 comments:
I went through a similar musing earlier this week. DH fell asleep right after the kids went to bed and I was all alone, crying, feeling sorry for lonely, friendless self. I should have grabbed my prayer rope, lit the vigil lamp and some incense and prayed. Instead, I wasted 2 hours online and went to bed in a rotten mood. :(
'Tis the season? The evil one wants so much to keep us away from Christ. Keep struggling. You are loved and in my prayers.
I know exactly how you feel. Loneliness has been a big part of my life, but socializing doesn't usually help all that much - I think what I'm looking for are those very true friends that are few and few between. And, of course, spiritual growth! :-)
I agree. Others think that if you just find someone to be around, the loneliness will just go away, which is not true. That helps me know that when I am lonely, I need to seek God in prayer. Thank you Matushka!
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