I have recently been told by my husband that there is an abundance of leeks in our refrigerator. I told him that he was being silly, overly judgmental, and that he obviously has an issue with leeks, which he should take up with the vegetable itself (are they considered vegetables?) instead of scowling every time I mention they will be part of our evening meal. Of course, he is not the only one to practice onionism. I have noticed that each time I check out at a grocery store there appears that same scowl on the checker peering at me over the belt as if I am mad - what are these? Leeks. What do you use leeks for? Cooking. Okay (sigh) give me a second (sigh) while I find the code (sigh).Why do I suddenly feel like a bad person for buying leeks?
So, quite angrily, I opened the refrigerator door and noticed, to my husband's credit, there was quite an abundance of leeks. About nine just on the bottom shelf alone, and then I opened the vegetable drawer and realized there were another six. I suppose I kept buying leeks, thinking I needed them for a particular dish, and immediately forgot about them the moment I put them away, thus, the fifteen leeks in my refrigerator for the dish, of which I do not yet know the name, I am going to prepare this weekend.
I started to think about leeks and all the dishes that call for them. I can make roasted root vegetables, and use leeks instead of onions. I know risotto also calls for them, and the kabocha squash soup I keep meaning to make. There is the lovely vichysoisse - potato leek soup, and then there is Devonshire leek pie that I learned about from the crazy dutch (very scrumptious - the leek pie, that is), though it might be a little difficult to make a leek pie sans eggs, butter, cream and bacon. There are braised leeks with fennel, and an Alsacian galette which uses leeks for the base, but I also know none of these dishes are all that appealing to my husband or to my children. But, what I do realize is that my family, if not immediately presented with the word leek, actually is not that adverse to them. In fact, only today, I prepared sauteed carrots, leeks and parsnips, and everyone ate them right up. Leeks are also the basis of my corn chowder, which my husband adores, thinking of course, that those translucent things swimming in his bowl are yellow onions and not the infamous leeks.
And my point is that onionism is not just about leeks, but about our set opinions in general, and that often we scowl at that which is different from what we are used to. I know I am a tad bit paranoid, but I do know I have received many looks of curiosity and even disdain when I have gone into our local grocery store. (Our local grocery does not carry leeks.) But I have scowled back as well many times. No thank you. I don't eat that, do that, listen to that. After over five years in this rural countryside, I have not learned to bend more than buy a pair of wellies, albeit Hunter wellies, so I don't know if that really counts.
I have come to the conclusion that I like to be different, not just here where it is so cut and dry city mouse country mouse, but everywhere I go and the manner in which I interact with people. I like to be in my own world, always an air of mystery to my demeanor. But a lot of this comes from fear too - what if I do try with all my might to become part of this culture and I am just as quickly laughed out of it. I imagine those individuals who consider me aloof and unwilling to become part of this place are just as afraid of change as I am, or would they not recognize that our differences are actually just a tool by which we can both learn? But then, what have I learned? Perhaps I am exactly what I appear to be.
If such simple things as leeks and, in my case, flats, can be so fearful, then how can we expect to be open to God? I often think of St. Gregory of Nyssa and the deeper and deeper darkness we must enter to find the light of Christ. To know God is to first understand how incomprehensible God is, and, ironically, we must first enter the unknown to even begin to know anything. We have to admit that perhaps our formed opinions are not necessarily correct and that we will not lose our character by questioning our own personal dogmas about life.
Today I had the unfortunate experience of witnessing a rather animated argument in the Narthex between two groups of people. Things were said that probably should not have been said, and several walked away in tears. And here we are, having just received the Body and Blood of Christ, and where there should be peace, joy, love, forgiveness and communion with one another, there is enmity, strife, jealousy, bitterness and malice. The devil hates above all else the Eucharist, and that we come together and partake as one body in Christ. I am convinced this is why that when we make the effort to pray and come to church to participate in the Sacraments, we are immediately lambasted with a world of temptations. As humans it is very often hard to see beyond our own shadow on the ground, to see beyond our own understanding of the world, and almost impossible to understand those around us and why they do things differently than we do or would even consider doing. Christ came to save the world - not just the Orthodox, not just the Russians or the Greeks. Christ came for those who are like us and for those that are not.
Today I want to begin anew. I want to shed this skin of mine that cannot forgive, that cannot put myself in my neighbor's shoes, and perhaps by my forgiveness, something good can happen. It is time for us to stop speculating about our neighbor, gossiping and being offended. It is time for us to stop considering ourselves always the wronged in a situation, but to remember that we sin and that our sin can penetrate the cosmos. And isn't this the point of the Nativity Fast? To fast from sin as we fast from food, to prepare ourselves to meet Christ who has taken on our human flesh so that we may one day join in His Divinity? Milk can be discarded from our body in a matter of hours, but what about sin, what about what we let fall from our lips? That stain is written on us in a way no animal product can.
So, reaching God is peeling away all the layers, like an onion, to find the heart. And then, there is the story in The Brothers Karamazov of the woman who could have been saved by her gift of an onion, so this post, now rather long, is about more than an onion (or leek).
I just want peace in our community, in our Orthodox Church, for if we are at enmity with each other how can we be the Body of Christ? I can't change any one's mind or heart by anything I can say or do, but I can, from this moment, serve Christ, and repent, really repent - change my heart, and thus my repentance can affect the cosmos even more strongly than my sin.
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