Crystallized Nostalgia

(Photo by Florence)

It is very cold today, but the sun is strong. The snow is clear, except for a few tire tracks and animal prints. Everything that can hold a bit of ice, holds onto it, as if suspended in time. I think of "The Nutcracker" but can't quite hear the music like I used to. Nutcracker music always makes me a bit sad because it reminds me of when I was a dancer, and I think back on the December rehearsals, sewing ribbons on pointe shoes, theater lights and hair pulled back so tightly it hurt. Nothing but ballet existed for me then, and I wanted the dancer's life so much that I would sacrifice everything to have it. But then, God had other plans for me. A stress fracture ended not only my perhaps career, but vigorous dancing forever. I still remember when the doctor called. I was standing in front of the Christmas tree staring at the red and green and blue lights, how I was silent and without somewhere to rush off to for the first time in years. Oh, how menacing that silence was, so that I couldn't even cry until days later. And then I cried for weeks.

When I came out of it, it was as if I had woken from a heavy sleep. I slept in on Saturday morning. I ate something besides yogurt and Macintosh apples. I really read John Donne, and not to just to answer the section end questions. I took up piano and started writing again. I had time to socialize.

I try to remember this - that on the other side of despair is unexpected joy. This morning, Pavel and Sasha were still sleeping, and I made myself a latte, crawled back into bed and savored my coffee as the light streamed through the blinds onto my face. Fourteen years ago I stopped dancing. Never did I think this would be my life all those years ago. For a dancer, thirty is when one's career is coming to an end. Today I feel life is just beginning - that I finally know who I am and that my identity is no longer dependent on what I can list beside my name. It is a good feeling. As much as I miss dancing, I wouldn't trade that moment this morning for the title role in Giselle with ABT.

Again - Glory be to God for all things! I'm glad I can say it and mean it.