I have realized in the past few months that the thing I struggle with most is loneliness. It is not momentary, but a set weight swinging back and forth on my heart. What makes me feel more alone is the fact that I do not have a lot of ways to overcome my loneliness. I have two small children who depend on me for everything. I live forty minutes away from the nearest commercial espresso maker, fifty-five minutes away from a bookstore, and sixty-seven minutes away from a French restaurant - three entities that, when I lived in New York, could bring me out of a slump in a matter of seconds. This physical isolation includes not being able to simply meet a friend for a quick glass of wine, or dart off to a dance class, movie, writing group. My entire existence and emotional well-being is tied up in these four white walls that surround me. It is only by the grace of God that I have not, at times, despaired utterly.
Yesterday my melancholy was heavier than usual, and it carried itself over to this morning, so much so that I could hardly enjoy my coffee like I usually do, curled up in my hideous, but wonderfully comfortable orange chair looking out the window. I called Olivia and I called Lucy, and I had the most edifying talks with both of them. What I realized is that I have two incredible women in my life who love me, but more importantly, I saw that they are struggling just as much as I am, but those struggles are not felt any less just because their location is different. Their fight is just as straining as my own, for God works with all of us, chiseling away at the stone in order to one day uncover something worthy of being called His own.
I am alone, but then I am alone by my own choosing. I have chosen a life not many can really understand nor accept, and this isolates me. Perhaps God has allowed me to be isolated so that I can cling to Him even more. I am alone, but I am never really alone if I am with God, walking in His way. I am being chiseled, bit by bit, day in and day out, by the great artist and it can be excruciatingly painful, but the knowledge of what I will become strengthens me, makes all of this somehow bearable. I am alone, but I am not lost. The path is uncertain, but the final end is certain. It is more certain than anything else in this world.
Glory be to God for all things!
1 comment:
That's the advice I get when I'm grumbling - Glory to God in all things.
It is difficult. I get so sad and broken when I find that one particular person who I love irks me so badly that I can't stand it and I don't like him. I know there is a work going on inside both him and me, but I can't always see it. Luckily, I do get a break during the day and we both talk about working to not get angry (he's usually defiant, and I anger at his disrespect). He antagonizes I think without realizing it always and I tire at being the drill sergent/referee. He'll probably grow up and make a big positive difference, God knows. I just have to remember the saints - the ones that were so self-willed and once they began to serve God, it made a huge impact in their defense of the faith.
O good Lord, I pray to Thee, grant that I have joy and gladness in my children; vouchsafe that I appear with them before Thy terrible tribunal, and without fear say, "here I am, Lord, with the children Thou hast deigned to give me;" that together with them, praising Thine ineffable goodness and eternal love, I may glorify Thy Most Holy Name, Father, Son and Holy Spirit, unto ages of ages. Amen.
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