That One Thing Extraordinary

I remember a friend commenting to me on the lawn of our college one afternoon as we neared graduation. "You're going to just get married and have kids, while the rest of us are going to have careers."

She was obviously very angry with me, and life in general. Now that I've written this statement down I realize how ridiculous it is. How is it that it took me more than seven years to get over it? Certainly it was a combination of things, most of all how someone who was supposed to love me could say something so insensitive, but more, I took her seriously for a long time - that somehow getting married and having children was a sellout. On the surface, I believed very much in my choice. Inside, I've wavered back and forth, forever doubting myself. Glory be to God that I no longer waver. I am where I am and I am happy.

I just finished reading a biography of Picasso, and was really struck with how a man of such artistic genius could be so tormented, and so childish. He had everything in the world and yet he was in despair, always tossing away all that could give him life and ultimate happiness. It was terrifying to read of his incredible darkness, but more, how many people chose to live in the midst of his darkness, all for the sake of being in the midst of the "extraordinary."

That one thing extraordinary - I have sought this for a long time. Yes, I would love to publish a book one day. And I must confess, I have, in my pettiness, imagined doing a reading in New York and having that same friend walk in and be amazed that I was able to succeed despite my "old-fashioned" choices.

But that one thing extraordinary for me is, as Father Paul often said, to be able to make the sign of the cross before each task that I undergo. To always be seeking my salvation - to lose myself - so that it is "no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me."

I am not saying that I will not, one day, be a successful writer, but my motivation for being successful has now altogether changed. I want it for myself, to be able to make a living at what I love, not because I need to prove myself to old college acquaintances.

The only one I need to perform for is God, and He isn't even asking me to perform. He is simply asking me to accept His love, and by doing so, live out His love in this fallen world.