Dear Katya: A Letter to Myself

Dear Katya, I say to myself, because this is the first time I have written anything in 2009 and I am having a bit of trouble getting started. I think there is part of me that has given up the idea of being a writer, which is probably just a dramatic way of my dealing with uncertainty, and also my way of trying to be successful at everything. Perhaps if I knock something off the list, I'll have a better chance of succeeding at something, but then, I do not feel complete. My pursuit of beauty in language feeds my soul, even if "The Iowa Review" doesn't think I should make it to the next tier of readers. And then there is that part of me that thinks perhaps I am not very intelligent and that all that really matters is for me to be beautiful physically and have lots of shoes for people to oo and ah at. And to criticize myself and to say that I am simply a shallow, Barneys web page stalker (one of these days Louboutins will go down to $156) makes life a lot less complicated. I don't have to read, I don't have to write, I don't have to pray or "follow my bliss" in any way, and I should be happy because, as dear Toad says of the beloved "Frog and Toad" Series - Today, I'm going to just take life easy. But I'm not happy. I know very well that I am burying my talent in the sand, that I say all I need is to read "Frog and Toad" over and over again until my throat is dry, to administer sippy cups and wash dish after dish after dish, but if I am not taking care of what drives me, then I am imparting very little joy to my children, and I am running away from God.

I have been thinking a lot about Jonah lately, and how he thought he could run away from God, but of course, we can't run away from God because He is everywhere, filling all things. We can reject God, I suppose, but then we reject ourselves, for God is within us. How can I pretend I have no soul when Christ's very Body and Blood runs through me?

Dear Katya: The only beauty that really matters is that which is found within you. What is it you are pretending to be and why are you doing everything to not write, not pray, not read, not be happy? Is it that you are punishing yourself again for what it is you think God thinks of you, demands of you? But He demands nothing. He simply asks for you to accept His love. Isn't it time you remembered who you are, and what it is in you that is loved? You are absolutely unique - there was no one before who is absolutely like you nor will there ever be any one else, for God has known your name from before all creation.

So, I think you should come back, not just to blogging, but come back to yourself and say in full confidence - I am a child of God and He does love me and want my salvation.

One day the Louboutins will come down to $156, but they will be hideous, uncomfortable, a wretched color, a 130mm heel that will make you fall down the stairs and, what's more, it won't even matter.

Now, isn't that conclusion perfectly lovely? I think so.

With much love,

Katya