Perhaps it comes as a surprise

I haven't written anything in a long time and for no particular reason other than that I deemed blogging, for the summer, somewhat self-indulgent. I have been trying to pay more attention to my children. I have been trying to pray more. I have been trying to figure out who I am and not what I am considered to be. All that matters is who I am in the eyes of God, does it not? I think this is the hardest realization to get my mind around. God loves me. There is no reason for it - it is who He is. He is love. But how do I respond to that love? Do I live my life for Him or for myself?

I remember reading in Pushkin that Autumn was the time he wrote the best. I cannot remember now which poem this was, but I tend to agree with him. There is something about the difference in the air, about the crisp, vibrant leaves crunching under our shoes and the satisfaction of wearing a sweater for the first time, putting our babies in wool caps with knitted animals on them. I love the fall. I only wish it could last a little longer where I live. It enters very quickly, like a burst of wind from our dusty roads, and then, a few weeks later, the first snowfall comes, and our red and orange leaves are buried under the heaviness of winter like discarded candy wrappers.

I did not expect the fall this year, and suddenly it was before me. The ash trees outside my window now gold. The evening comes earlier - I must remember to turn on my porch light before I leave for Vespers. Though the midday is still hot, and it seems like a paradox. These stunning tree lined streets, the bales of hay dotting the fields, and yet the need for an abundance of liquid, the sleepiness that comes from too much heat on my face.

But I think about this, and how all of us as human beings are a sort of paradox, a living battle between what our mind and flesh wants, and what is good for our soul. My paradox is perhaps always trying to be something I'm not, trying to fit into my imagined idea of what a good woman is like a dress two sizes too small. Today I want to be myself. I want to love more, to feel less alienated from those around me and I want to nurture my relationship with Christ. But the fact is, I am broken. I will never be loved or even liked by all those who surround me. But then, Christ took on the Cross - can I not bear being falsely perceived, and perhaps rightly perceived. I, like everyone else, do not want to admit to having flaws.

In all of this, I know, there is salvation, and that I am never alone even when I feel completely alone. God is everywhere and fillest all things, and where there is God there is life, joy, light, communion, holy silence. How much we have been given. Our job is simply to respond to the gift - to be thankful, and to, above all things, love.