"The terrible thing, the almost impossible thing, is to hand over your whole self - all your wishes and precautions - to Christ. But it is far easier than what we are all trying to do instead. For what we are trying to do is to remain what we call "ourselves," to keep personal happiness as our great aim in life, and yet at the same time be "good."
-from Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis
Orthodoxy is to follow the middle way, always balancing yourself between one extreme and the next. Even in Orthodoxy it is easy to forget about Christ, when you try to over-theologize, or, in my case, justify my actions to make myself believe I have not sinned when my heart knows I have sinned.
Sunday I attended a Czechoslovakian version of Oktoberfest, which is the main fundraiser for the Church I attend. The weather had turned suddenly cold, so that I had to wrap myself in a heavy jacket, and run from one heated building to the next as frostbitten easterly winds twirled over my ears and face. I ate pierogi and kolbasi, halushki and halupki, which is the Slovak way of saying potatoes, cabbage and meat, prepared in various ways. These warm Slavic foods felt good in my mouth as I listened to the wind outside and watched shivering, red faced men and women scatter in, slamming the doors loudly behind them. I danced the polka and waltz to the haunting, melodic accordion. I had two shots of a Slavic whiskey called kolitsa, and I felt really happy. I laughed a lot. My children were with my husband and I felt a heightened sense of freedom, of being able to do anything in the world.
I would not consider any of these actions sinful in themselves. To enjoy life, to find joy in the earthy blessings that God has bestowed - this is holy - but looking back at a picture of myself, of a certain moment when I leaned over the bar and sipped from a shot glass I saw my soul. I was extremely aware of my ability to appear sophisticated, witty and sexy, and I took much pleasure in drawing a small audience to myself. Now I realize,that during this time, I did not think about God once. I did not consider those around me and how my behavior affected them. I only considered myself. If Christ had come in all his glory, in that moment, I would not have recognized Him, and this realization fills me with extreme shame and sorrow. I understand how very attached I am to this world. How I want so much to be accepted by it, that, more often than not, I am serving the world and not Christ.
I think about the saints, those great men and women who gave up everything to serve Christ. They were not of this world, even while living in this world. I know this is also what is required of me if I am to enter into the Kingdom. At one point I must cross that great line between knowing what I am supposed to do and actually doing it.
Orthodoxy is to follow the middle way, always balancing yourself between one extreme and the next. Even in Orthodoxy it is easy to forget about Christ, when you try to over-theologize, or, in my case, justify my actions to make myself believe I have not sinned when my heart knows I have sinned.
Sunday I attended a Czechoslovakian version of Oktoberfest, which is the main fundraiser for the Church I attend. The weather had turned suddenly cold, so that I had to wrap myself in a heavy jacket, and run from one heated building to the next as frostbitten easterly winds twirled over my ears and face. I ate pierogi and kolbasi, halushki and halupki, which is the Slovak way of saying potatoes, cabbage and meat, prepared in various ways. These warm Slavic foods felt good in my mouth as I listened to the wind outside and watched shivering, red faced men and women scatter in, slamming the doors loudly behind them. I danced the polka and waltz to the haunting, melodic accordion. I had two shots of a Slavic whiskey called kolitsa, and I felt really happy. I laughed a lot. My children were with my husband and I felt a heightened sense of freedom, of being able to do anything in the world.
I would not consider any of these actions sinful in themselves. To enjoy life, to find joy in the earthy blessings that God has bestowed - this is holy - but looking back at a picture of myself, of a certain moment when I leaned over the bar and sipped from a shot glass I saw my soul. I was extremely aware of my ability to appear sophisticated, witty and sexy, and I took much pleasure in drawing a small audience to myself. Now I realize,that during this time, I did not think about God once. I did not consider those around me and how my behavior affected them. I only considered myself. If Christ had come in all his glory, in that moment, I would not have recognized Him, and this realization fills me with extreme shame and sorrow. I understand how very attached I am to this world. How I want so much to be accepted by it, that, more often than not, I am serving the world and not Christ.
I think about the saints, those great men and women who gave up everything to serve Christ. They were not of this world, even while living in this world. I know this is also what is required of me if I am to enter into the Kingdom. At one point I must cross that great line between knowing what I am supposed to do and actually doing it.
4 comments:
I wonder, though, if it so easy to know the difference between those things. I never really know where God ends and the world begins, meaning by the "world" here something evil and opposed to God. Is not God in the waltz and the kolitsa? But what I think you are saying, and correct me if I am wrong, is that instead of seeing God in the things around you, you saw parts of yourself you did not wish to see. And then of course I wonder if you are not just being too hard on yourself.
Attachment to these not so wonderful parts of ourselves, then, is the crux of the matter.
And then, of course, I am just reading my own life into the situation!
I always feel like I'm straddling the trench and performing the "Spider Walk" (ever see Ninja Warriors - Japan's game show?) bouncing and balancing myself between the two sloping sides that if by one misstep could plunge me into the waters of despair or heavenly bliss - guess that's the fight of it all, so we keep fighting...saint or sinner. This keeps me going: "To want to want to" - Fr. Hopko
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